Essay on Holding Up Aggression During a Dispute. Part 1


In previous articles, we promised to tell you about ways of leveling aggression. So, how can you quickly calm down and take control of the situation?

Once you realize that there is an aggravation of a situation, that it will take a little time for you to lose mental balance, try to go inwardly beyond this situation and look at everything that is happening in order to hear everything that you are talking about with your partner as if from the outside. Try to assess the situation as a spectator sitting in the theater. It will not take much effort and time. As soon as you can assess a situation in a dissociated and alienated state, you will be sure that you can manage its development and your state.

It is difficult to manage a situation being in an associated state when you evaluate everything that is happening by "passing" it through yourself. Dissociation allows us to analyze a situation from the outside. If you can also bring a situation as if on the TV screen and watch it as a viewer adjusting the sound and image and achieving the desired brightness and volume when they do not irritate you, it will be just great, because you will get a wonderful tool for self-regulation.

You can "play" with colors, "adding" the one that you are more comfortable with and "reducing" the unpleasant ones, you can distort the size. Well, for example, you make your partner too small, and yourself – very large. You can introduce elements of the comic into a situation. In short, if you have a well-developed imagination, you can learn to "transform" a situation so that you will quickly bring yourself into a state necessary for constructive work and making informed decisions.

When you learn the technique of dissociative perception of a negative situation and learn to control yourself, you can basically change the strategy of behavior in such situations.

The Advice of Dale Carnegie

The famous American psychologist Dale Carnegie offers very interesting judgments, conclusions and rules about controversial situations, so we paid attention to them. That is what he writes.

"In the world, there is only one way to get the better of a dispute – it is to evade it." In our opinion, this is just a wonderful advice, which you should try to follow all the time.

We also fully agree with this: " In most cases, a dispute ends with the fact that each of its participants is even more convinced of being right than before. You cannot win a dispute. It is impossible because if you lost a dispute, then you lost, if you won, you lost too. Why? Suppose that you have defeated an interlocutor, broke his or her arguments to the nines. So what? You will be in the saddle. And he or she? You hurt his or her pride. He or she will be disappointed by your victory. But a person, who was persuaded against his or her will, will not renounce his or her opinion".

Carnegie quotes Franklin: "If you argue, get irritated and object, you can win sometimes, but that victory will be meaningless for you, because you will never be in good graces of your opponent". Proving your point of view, you can be absolutely right, but all attempts to convince an interlocutor will probably remain as futile as if you were wrong.

One can make it clear to a person that he or she is wrong with a gaze, an intonation or a gesture no less eloquently than with words, but if you tell people that they are wrong, is it possible to force them to thereby agree with you? Never, because then you will strike a direct blow to their intellect, their common sense and self-esteem. And it will cause them only a desire to strike back, and not change their mind.

After that, whatever you do, you will not be able to convince people since you insulted them. Never start with a statement like: "I will prove you this and that". This is bad. It is like saying: " I know this better than you. And now I will make sure that you understand this". It is a test. This gives your interlocutor an inner resistance and a desire to fight with you before you start a dispute.

"It is difficult to convince people even under the most favorable conditions," – Carnegie says, – "So why create unnecessary difficulties? Why put yourself at a disadvantage? If you are going to prove something, let no one know about it. Do it so finely, so skillfully that no one can feel it".

You will never get into an unpleasant situation if you admit that you can make mistakes. So you can put an end to a dispute and induce interlocutors to be no less objective, frank and unbiased than you. This will make them want to admit that they can also make mistakes. When we are wrong, we can admit it to ourselves. And if someone approaches us softly and tactfully, then we are able to take new arguments into consideration and even be proud of our frankness and latitude of thought. But only not in those cases when someone is struggling to "feed" us with some indigestible fact.

In other words, do not argue with your client, spouse or opponent. Do not tell them that they are wrong, do not provoke them, but be a little diplomat. Respect the opinion of your interlocutor. Again, never tell a person that he or she is wrong. But if your teacher tells you that you are wrong when writing some college papers, listen to him and her and, perhaps, consult with professional writers.

Sometimes it happens that neither side is interested in making a discussion more active and ending as soon as possible. In this case, there is a high probability that the results will be absolutely useless. If you do not want this, it makes sense to take the initiative. Read about this in the second part of this article.

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